Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Entry About Nothing

This just in: Angel Pagan was pulled for a pinch hitter in the 7th last night. Gary and Keith showed a replay of him wincing in his prior AB and guessed it to be a back issue. Security tapes of the tunnel leading from the Mets dugout to the clubhouse told an entirely different story, however.

A masked, skulking figure wearing a Carlos Beltran jersey can clearly be seen ambushing Pagan with a lead pipe. When reached for comment, team spokesperson Jay Horwitz declined to comment.

R.A. (short for "Rick Aguilera") Dickey? Only the Mets, I swear. There's a little bit of that old magic floating around this team and it's a joy to behold.

For a promotion night, the Mets should consider blue dickeys emblazoned with an orange "R.A." on the front. 96° or not, I'd wear mine proudly.

Seinfeld was incredible in the SNY booth. It's so refreshing to see his love for the Amazins. He openly professed his love for the fans, and how cool was it of him to stand up to Lady GaGa on our behalf?

Fredi Gonzalez got canned by the Fish. I shared an elevator with him in Philly a couple springs ago, but it wasn't until after I'd exited that I realized who he was. Had I known, I would have made a slightly different impression on him. As in, my knuckles on his nose.

Why all the violence, you ask? Fredi led a mediocre team that somehow marshalled the resolve to destroy the two summers prior to The Great Morass. It made me wonder, "If these Marlins can play with such passion and power now, what the @#$% were they doing in the first 161 games?" So, in Fredi's honor, I bring you the Top Elevator Scenes of All Time™.

Our old friend is apparently leading the race as his successor.

There's no plague of frogs on the horizon for an already embattled Ottawa. That's refreshing.

Does anyone else recall Morgan Freeman on the kids show "The Electric Company"? His "Through The Wormhole" series on the Science Channel has been extraordinary, to say the least. Granted, the man could do voice-overs for paint drying and make them compelling, but retro-causality? Quantum non-locality? Forget the scientific possibilities - I'm going back in time and removing my Ulnar Collateral Ligament.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


I feel like I should clarify some of my remarks from two entries prior. One particular remark was callous and unsporting, and for that I am truly sorry. The world is fraught with enough negativity and hardly needs me piling on. I can understand why my comment offended the way it did, and I hope you'll trust that my discretion and good nature will prevent any further indignations. It's a matter that is obviously close to people's hearts, and for good reason.

That is why I wish to express my sincerest apologies to Rosie Greer. I didn't mean to disparage your movie in such a curt, out-of-hand fashion. Your edgy, half-erudite, half-Dolemite rapport with Ray Milland paved the way for the later seminal works of Gibson-Glover and Murphy-Akroyd.

"The Thing With Two Heads" stands as one of the finest horror movies I've ever seen, and the social responsibility angle placed it at the vanguard of the genre. Mea culpa, mea culpa.

This Just In...


Mexico City, MEXICO (SC) - The Mexican Consulate contacted the U.S. State Department early this morning with an unprecedented gesture of international goodwill. Mexican President Felipe Calderón personally delivered a refined proposal first put forth by Status Crow, an Internet "weblog" focused on international relations, Tolkien and baseball. And bacon. And Ridley Scott movies.

In the initial piece, the sardonic, sentimental, inquisitive, mischievous and tender writer outlined a bold initiative that would utilize the floodwaters inundating Nebraska to extinguish the wildfires in Arizona. Clearly impressed with the anonymous endeavor, President Calderón immediately drafted an amended proposal and offered unlimited material support to what could be the largest project of its kind since the completion of the Erie Canal.

"By extending the canal west towards California, you will be able to draw from the vast resources of the Pacific Ocean," stated Calderón spokesperson María Loret de Dóriga. "The great nation of Mexico has also offered to dig eastwards and link up with the Mississippi River, which will then connect to the Great Lakes. From the shores of Lake Ontario, the canal work will then resume eastwards and finally terminate with great fanfare at the Inner Harbor in Baltimore, MD."

Even the traditionally ruthless Mexican drug cartels have praised the effort, citing the potential to stabilize Mexican-American relations and "deliver water for wildfires with relative ease to so many of the people in the major urban centers who need water to fight wildfires." (sic)

Arizona elder statesman John McCain weighed in with an umcomfortable, often rambling six-minute retort that can be viewed here.

To further convey his nations eagerness to proceed, Calderón went so far as to order 27,532,814 Mexican "labor detachments" to the original southern terminus of the proposed waterway. While there has been no official response from the Obama Administration, confidential sources have suggested that the President was amenable to the idea, especially if it marginalizes Israel in some way.

“Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.”

I'd like to devote our latest entry to synthesizing Hegelian solutions solving some pressing problems.

Forget BP. To say the company has bungled the effort in the Gulf is an understatement. Whenever I, one of the small people, see their logo or one of their woefully out-of-touch representatives, I hear calliope music. 

Solution: With oil still leaking from the uncapped well, clean-up operations should be transitioned to the pope. Unlike BP, Catholic leadership has a long and storied tradition of covering things up.

Nebraska is flooding. Arizona is on fire (or, to paraphrase this AP story, Flagstaff is 90% @#$%ed). Solution: Illegal immigrants can start digging southwest. The trench would re-route the Nebraska floodwaters to extinguish the Arizona wildfi-- er, no. There are no illegal immigrants in Nebraska.

The U.S. is indirectly paying the Taliban to protect convoys carrying supplies to U.S. troops tasked with fighting the Talilban. That's about as decipherable as Afghan president Hamid Karzai working as a Unocal advisor on a potential Caspian pipeline, Bush giving the Taliban $43 million before 9/11, bin Laden denying responsibility for the attacks, Bush declining to take him into custody, and then vowing to capture him dead or alive.

Solution: Recall the Mars Rover and send it to Afghanistan. Minerals or no minerals, maybe it can determine exactly what the @#$% is going on over there. It needn't be the "Saudi Arabia of Lithium", either. I'd happily settle for "Liechtenstein of Getcherass Into The 21st Century".

Carlos Beltran is getting closer to returning. But what of Angel Pagan? He deserves a better reward than being the odd man out. Platoon with Frenchy? Trade one of 'em for Cliff Lee? If you deal Pagan and Beltran needs microfracture surgery the very next day, who plays center? And don't say Gary Matthews, Jr., because Cincinnati coveted his lack of expertise.

Solution: Graft Pagan and Beltran together, a la the movie that freaked me the hell out as a kid. Not the one with Rosie Greer, the other one.

While we're on the subject, did you know there's a "Red Dawn" remake in the offing? It's a shame Patrick Swayze can't do a cameo, but maybe Charlie Sheen, C. Thomas Howell, Jennifer Gray and/or Lea Thompson are available. Speaking of which, I can't believe I missed the "Dirty Dancing" and "Outsiders" connections all this time. Remember the Mark Texierieaierierra lookalike who betrayed them? His real name is Darren Dalton, which is perilously close to Darren Daulton.

Moral of the story? The Oracle of Bacon, of course.

Monday, June 21, 2010

The Usual: Hawking, Waterloo, Abu Ghraib and Dick Dastardly

I guarantee you that I can beat you in a game of chess played on a Candyland board. That you might even take me up on it is the strangest aspect of it all.

In the distant future, the Statue of Liberty will be spoken of alongside the Colossus of Rhodes (whose face has been removed, so as not to offend any other wonders of the ancient world). Disinterested schoolkids will be teeming about the Jefferson Memorial someday, flitting through the colonial overlords "friendly tourists" on nifty little antimatter propulsion packs.

My belated point? The United States of America will be held in the same esteem as Rome, Athens and every other light held however briefly high in this otherwise darkened state of being. When each of those had to defend their ideals or convey their might, they did so against a known enemy. They opposed men who bore flags, wore uniforms and otherwise represented their faction. How quaint.

Leonidas' foe was not uneasiness. Wellington and von Blücher did not triumph over anxiety. Similarly, America should not be at war with terror. We are at war with radical Islam. You can preface the creed with whichever qualifiers you prefer, but the root remains the same. Its adherents stated objective is one-world government centered on Sharia law, with anything outside of this 7th century scope deemed unacceptable. Forget global warming or a coming Ice Age - the Dark Ages are at the gates and pounding ever louder.

Wait, strike that. The enemy is not simply at our gates; 2,976 innocents would tell you that the walls have already been breached.

Who was the U.S. to retaliate against? Hani Bleepin' Hanjour wasn't exactly wearing his Saudi dress blues aboard Flight 77. Boasting a constitution, existing as a republic, valuing the rule of law and whatnot, America has been compelled to conduct itself appropriately (Lynndie England notwithstanding). The enemy, meanwhile, wears no uniform and has no borders.

The answer? Outsource a slice of the wrath. Operating on behalf of private entities, the contracted combatants would not be bound by the same restrictions as U.S. soldiers. The gloves were indeed coming off and they would beat the enemy at their own game.

While unsettling on the surface, it is also reassuring. You don't fight the enemy's war, you make them fight yours. Why should the U.S. shoehorn its military operations into the framework laid by Al Qaeda (i.e., chess/Candyland)? As for "disproportionate response", I don't care if they strapped the U.S.S. Nimitz to a Predator drone and wiretapped Khalid Shaikh Mohammad's goddamn hot plate - I'm just glad they finally caught the bastard.

On a sidenote, the Status Crow correspondent we may or may not have dispatched to find Khalid's boss ran into some red tape. Allegedly.

At the end of the day, I'm just happy for the opportunity to believe what I wish, and maybe even appreciate a nice calf or neckline along the way. However soldiers wish to affiliate themselves to ensure this for me is as pertinent as, well, soccer.

There. I beat the horse well into rigor mortis.

Speaking of death, John Maine's right arm made the Times' obits today. Omar just sent Mejia back to Bingo to start again and Parnell got the call from Buffalo.

The standings struck me as odd. Not because the Mets are somehow in second place, but because the game has changed so much from when I was a kid. It's actually pretty surprising, and that's without including the sheer number of Amazin' uniform iterations. I'll spare you the "barefoot, uphill in the snow, both ways" angle and let you judge for yourself:

NL East: --
Atlanta: Formerly in NL West, played at Fulton County Stadium
New York: Played at Shea Stadium
Philadelphia: Played at Veterans Stadium
Florida: Didn't exist
Washington: Formerly the Montreal Expos, played in Olympic Stadium

NL Central: Didn't exist
St. Louis: Formerly in NL East, played at Busch Memorial Stadium
Cincinnati: Formerly in NL West, played at Riverfront Park
Chicago: Formerly in NL East, played no night games at Wrigley Field.
Milwaukee: Formerly in AL East, played at County Stadium
Houston: Formerly in NL West, played at the Astrodome
Pittsburgh: Formerly in NL East, played at Three Rivers Stadium

NL West: --
San Diego: --
San Francisco: Played at Candlestick Park
Los Angeles: --
Colorado: Didn't exist
Arizona: Didn't exist

AL East: --
New York: Played at the new-old Yankee Stadium (not the old-old one or the new-new one)
Tampa Bay: Didn't exist
Boston: --
Toronto: Played at Exhibition Stadium
Baltimore: Played at Memorial Stadium

AL Central: Didn't exist
Minnesota: Formerly in AL West, played at the Metrodome
Detroit: Formerly in AL East, played at Tiger Stadium
Chicago: Formerly in AL West, played at Comiskey Park
Kansas City: Formerly in AL West
Cleveland: Formerly in AL East, played at Municipal Stadium

AL West: --
Texas: Played at Arlington Stadium
Los Angeles: Formerly called the "California Angels"
Oakland: --
Seattle: Played at the Kingdome

What does it all mean? Obviously, the 2010 AL and NL Championship Series will consist of Oakland vs Boston and L.A. vs. San Diego. You heard it hear first! In other news...

"The Hobbit" has found another director.

Depeche Mode is being given the stage treatment.

I have interesting competition for Norah.

Wacky Races would make for an incredible big screen remake of a 1960's cartoon (in other words, please keep the Wachowski Brothers as far away from it as possible).

Friday, June 18, 2010

"Time waits for no man."

Orbiting with the rest of the crew is splendid, don't get me wrong. A little solitude goes a long way, however, so I'm going to shout this over our public address system and get jettisoned back to Earth for some R&R. The occassional respite in the tower of my secluded nerdery does a soul good.

I don't require much, either. Pipe, television, tea... the fire and the moonlight creating dancing shadows, the summer breeze slipping through the lancets...

Seriously, there really is something to be said for getting away from all the beeping and buzzing of ordinary life. When I'm backpacking, it usually takes me a day to "re-center"; the din of telephones and commutes and value-added synergies gradually gives way to what must be our natural state. Things sound clearer, look sharper, taste better. The plain, boring water I don't drink nearly enough of becomes the sweetest nectar and the most valuable commodity. A bag of buillon worthless, a man's tenacity priceless. It's a mirror, and while I haven't always liked the reflection, the self-reliance, fellowship with the wild and sense of accomplishment are cathartic notches in my belt.  

Voyageurs have always fascinated me. How incredible it must have felt to pack your life into a canoe and float off into the wilderness. No buzzwords, no bull, just a river and some simple songs to accompany the silence along the way. I like that.

"Alouette, gentille aloutette. Alouette, je t'y plumerai." That's French for, "What the @#$% is a 'value-added synergy'?"

Speaking of Voyageurs, "Voyagers!" was one of my favorite shows growing up. It cemented my love for history and I'm still determined to find a working Omni. Lo and behold, ladies and gentlemen, the Internet is like the Library of Alexandria and Sotheby's and Babylon all rolled into one: Look here! If anyone wishes to donate towards this much-needed operational enhancement, please don't. I'll never leave the nerdery.

Didja Know, June Edition: Meeno Peluce, the kid alongside the Brandon Lee-like Jon-Erik Hexum, is Punky Brewster's brother.

Every Gun Is Loaded, June Edition™: Every gun is loaded, always.

Don't look now, but the Amazin's are firing on all cylinders. If you'd told me a few weeks ago they'd be going into the Bronx a half game out of first, I would've thought it crazier than Jerry letting Mejia rot forever in the pen. I'm definitely liking the energy and range of Tejada at second, at it gave me pause last night to see an infield consisting of him, Davis, Wright and Reyes. Wow!

R.A. Dickey is 5-0. Carlos Beltran is getting close. Oliver Perez is not. I like Ike. Angel Pagan has been a revelation. Mike Pelfrey has been an ace. David Wright leads the league in RBIs.  Jerry Seinfeld is reuniting with Keith Hernandez. There's such a positive air about this team right now that if they keep rolling over the Yanks, Tigers and Twins, I'm officially getting my hopes up.

Who am I kidding? It's like George said: "Just remember, Jerry: It's not a lie if you believe it." So, I'll shout it from the top of my tower:

Ya Gotta Believe!!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I ♥ Soccer!

As an American, it is my inherent inclination to loathe soccer. Or "football", as the rest of the planet so disingenuously calls it. It is long, annoying and altogether curious, like Carrot Top on the Great Wall of China.

In an effort to Americanize the sport and thus allow it to reach its full potential, I and my fellow analysts have been brainstorming ideas. While these have yet to be finalized with FIFA (Forpete'ssake Ican't Freakingstand Anymorebloodysoccer), we nevertheless feel that certain quality of life improvements will allow the "sport" to finally take hold in the United States. For instance:

Randomly placed landmines. Nothing excessive, mind you, but merely three or four hidden surreptitiously on the field. Can't you just hear the broadcaster? "Aaaand the chap streaks down the pitch... he's got bags of pace... it's a worm burner! He's going to nod it hom-- BOOM!"  Uh-oh - someone beat us to it.

Not to be deterred, why not make the normally green field one big American flag? Let the limeys try to burn that, after they get done watching Robert Green spit the bit. Over and over and over. And overandoverandover again.

With Adidas' Jabulani ball (whose face has been removed, so as not to offend any other balls) causing so much consternation, a shake-up is definitely in order. To this end, how about replacing it with something more fan-centric? Just before the gam-- er, match -- is to begin, one lucky fan will have their ticket number announced over the public address system. They will then be escorted down to the center of the field and, with much fanfare, have their head removed and entered into play. It could be like Afghan Headless Goat Polo, only different, and would give new meaning to the term, "header". Wait, that's just gross. And sophomorically silly and totally unrealistic. And freakin' EPIC.

Finally, a combination of monster trucks, cheerleaders, Toby Keith and "Raiders of The Lost Ark"-esque boulders, booby-traps and massive swinging blades would really pull it all together.

Can you imagine Lord Harvey ever doing this? Oy.

This just in: Zombie and one-time Presidential candidate John McCain just bored General Petraeus to death.

Conspiracy Theory of The Month: Wormwood. Japan just retrieved their asteroid lander in the Australian outback. Russia is actively pursuing a plan to save the earth. There's even a U.S. congressional requirement regarding "near-Earth" objects. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'. 

I'm also willing to board a modified Space Shuttle and land on the incoming behemoth, just like in "Armageddon". Better yet, send me on a year-long mission to Iscandar. If nothing else, they don't have soccer there.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Take Your Hat Off When You're Talking To Me

The backdrop at the new Marlins stadium has two built-in aquariums. Cool, no doubt, but how many games do you think it'll take for PETA to protest on behalf of the fish? Opposable thumb or no opposable thumb, no creature should have to endure Hanley Ramirez eighty-one times a year.

Psst... Han-Ram: if you moved your legs as fast as you do your gums, maybe your team wouldn't be in last place. Just a thought.

After the ambush in the forest, Godfrey of Ibelin instructs Roger de Cormier ("raaaansom...") to remove his helmet when addressing him. It's a lovely score by Harry Gregson-Williams, to be sure, but all I hear in my head after that line is this.

Etymology Question of The Week: "Portly". What did one's proximity to a port have to do with their body shape? Or is it in reference to the wine? No, perhaps it's a shout-out to port and starboard, which, incidentally, I will never get straight. Pray that if you are ever in need of rescue, I am not on a boat.

I've gotten some requests recently for more information about Status Crow. Well, it's me. It's the blog. It's everything rolled up into one, like the goodness of grease kissing the majesty of bacon. That's right: Deep-fried bacon!

Wait - where was I? Yes, yes - the blog. I actually loathe that word, by the way. It's right up there with "webinar", whose usage was banned by the Geneva Convention. Or at least should be. Can't we just be happy with "web seminar"? It's only one stinkin' syllable longer. Just because you can put two things together, it doesn't mean you should. For instance:

    • Salmon, peas and french fries on sourdough. To be fair, that's four things, but the principle still applies.

    • "Immortal swordsman seeking sidekick. Must be slight in stature, unimposing and possess the swashbuckling, devil-may-care attitude of a bored accountant." 'Nuff said.

      See how easily I get distracted? It's like my brainwaves are one of those "Family Circus" cartoons showing Jeffy traipsing all over God's green earth. And it just happened again, of course.

      To begin, I am not some random text generator that's miraculously achieved sentience. I am as real as you, my friend (assuming, of course, that you are real and not some random web spider program; how awkward). The blog is run from a retrofitted Telstar satellite locked into an undisclosed geosynchronous orbit (and by "undisclosed", I mean to us; we genuinely haven't the foggiest notion where we are). Our crack staff, culled from the best and brightest minds in academia, sports, cinema and cuisine, routinely jettisons people who say "webinar" into the cold, limitless void of space has but one mission: To select items of dubious interest and present them to you here, now.

      Sure, it may seem like all fun and games... Hobbit-this, Mets-that... but a lot of work goes into it, and Honk isn't around to help us.

      So, should you find yourself on a casual stroll on a clear, still night, turn your wandering eyes toward the heavens. That's probably us scorching down into your backyard like our last crew did in Milwaukee.

      They, too, were running McAfee.

      Wednesday, June 9, 2010

      "Son, It 'Aint Right..."

      Crap. "The Hobbit" is never getting made, the Mets were rained out and Iran hasn't nuked us yet. So... what, um, should I, you know... Oh, hell. Here goes:

      I don't confuse international relations with politics. The former intrigues, the latter bores. Most often, it just sits quietly on my "things to think about" shelf, resting comfortably alongside sausage making and needlepoint. And sausage needlepoint. There are the rare times, however, when I positively delight in the nasty art of policy making. Like Rob Birch said, "You're dirty tricks, ya make me sick."

      Well, it turns out someone's up to something wicked in the political Wonderland better known as South Carolina: a guy no one even knew was running just won the Democratic Senate primary. I'm at a loss to follow that up with anything coherent, so let's  move on.

      Barack Obama was spotted in the "Whoomp! (There It is)" video?! Seriously, play close attention right at 0:59. It's Rock himself, clearly calling Yasser Arafat to work out the early details of his $400 million payment to Hamas.  As the freely elected ruling party in Gaza, to where but their bloody coffers will this money go?

      Frankly, I don't see what the big deal is anyway. Dutch showed up around 0:18:092:445 in Anton Corbijn's seminal Depeche Mode video, "Enjoy The Silence" and nobody said a word.

      Seriously, do you click on every single link here? If so, here's one more you for, mitra.

      Hold on, I have another beep.

      Monday, June 7, 2010

      Monday, Monday...

      Greetings, my humble and faithful murder. I hope the new week finds you well and wanting nothing. Much has transpired since we last parted, so let the prattling begin:

      Legendary White House correspondent and anti-Semitic crone Helen Thomas has retired. This comes on the heels of her recent comments regarding Jews being forced to return to Germany and Poland, among other places (presumably in railcars).

      Garish as they may be, people's true colors never cease to amaze me. I've no delusions of humans doubling as angels in my midst, but goodness gracious. I haven't read her retraction and will not, ever, for ignorance such as hers isn't something alleviated with trite half-apologies. She said what she said because she obviously believes it, and beliefs like that are a foul and ingrained rot that deserves all the accomodation of a tumor.

      In the ongoing attack against Israel, Iran has now jumped fully into the fray. Neither analyst nor alarmist, I nevertheless think this could be the singlemost combustible state of Israeli-Islamist affairs in my lifetime. Revolutionary Guard vessels off the coast of Gaza? Al Aqsa Martyr's Brigade interdicted mid-operation? Egypt leaving the Rafah border wide-open to circumvent the blockade against Hamas' terror pipeline?

      In a most telling picture, the Rachel Corrie was boarded, a la the "Freedom Faux-tilla", with nary a shot fired. Where were the claims of "deadly raids" by the nefarious "commandos"? The first five ships were boarded without incident as well, so what was different about the Mavi Marmara? Outside of its cargo consisting of this and passengers like this, not too much, according to lying bastards like Reuters. I do not have confidence in the IRGC receiving an Israeli so warmly.

      In brighter news, embattled Metropolitan hurler Oliver Perez has been placed on the DL with knee tendinitis. After bizarrely rejecting attempts to figure things out in Buffalo, Port St. Lucie and Timbuktu, he'll finally get a reprieve. Let's just hope it's time well spent and he'll return as an asset rather than an albatross. As a matter of course, these are the Mets and it involves medicine, so the commissioner's office is investigating. Also, Gary Matthews, Jr. was designated for assignment. Hopefully this move gets Jesus Feliciano a ticket south, although Chris Carter deserves some at-bats, too.

      I found some free bacon at the store yesterday. That sounds rather gross, actually, like I happened upon a shriveled, hairy strip behind an old display. I'd eat it, don't get me wrong, but I still prefer the pre-packaged variety. To clarifiy, they had some Oscar meyer thick center cut on sale: buy one, get one free. Coupled with Frenchy's three-run jack, it was a banner day! I still can't help but think of Roberto Alomar whenever I see #12, though. Regardless of how poorly he turned the double play in Flushing,  he was still the best left fielder they've ever had. In other words, thanks for hanging in there on the pivot, Robbie...

      Lord of The Rings Online could use an update, stat. I spent some time in Mirkwood last night and earned kindred standing with the Malledhrim, which means I can now get a black horse without enduring PvPtards. But what of the Argonath? Rohan? The in-game world is already massive, but countless leagues have yet to be added.

      "Hate crimes": aren't they all? I'm willing to wager that Gregory Collins wasn't serenading Anthony Hill with sweet nothings while dragging him behind his truck. Just when I begin to marvel at our being on Mars - Mars! - things like this bring the Status Crow satellite crashing back to Earth.

      In today's "Stones The Size of Grapefruits" department, there was another daring theft in Marseilles. Not bad for a day's work, eh? I can't say I don't empathize with their motivations, although I'd probably use slightly different means. Throw some bacon in that lorry and I'd feel compelled, too.

      They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so I'll leave you with a smile, courtesy of an unabashedly beautiful and burqa-less Sandra Bullock locking lips with Scarlett Johansson:

      Wednesday, June 2, 2010

      “Think of the press as a great keyboard on which the government can play.”

      The title quote is from noted Nazi miscreant and mouthpiece Josef Goebbels (whose face has been removed, so as not to offend any goddamned Nazis). In true fashion, a good portion of the planet is now beside itself with indignation over the latest incident involving Israel. The wolf in ghobos' clothing, nee "humanitarian flotilla", has left more than casualties in its wake; there is now an ever-growing whirlpool of misinformation, and regardless of how you feel about the core issue, integrity demands that the truth be told:

      1. Israel is a sovereign nation. As such, they have the right to determine how and when any maritime vessel may dock on her shores. Can I sail the Mayflower into Mersin and do whatever I please? Hardly. In fact, Turkey has very stringent rules regarding their ports. These are but a few:

      "Vessels calling Turkish ports have to obtain free practique than custom clearance to commence any operation. Nobody may join to leave the ship before this inspection is completed." (sic)

      "Master has to submit the following documents to the clearance party: 8 copies of crew and passenger list, 2 copies of provisions, stores and bunkers, manifest covering all cargoes..." (sic)

      "All foreign ships are required to fly Turkish flag..." (sic)

      "The following ship certificates to be present to the harbor master for inspection, to obtain outward clearance: tonnage certificate, safety equipment certificate... international load line, class certificate... ship's registry certificate... international safety management certificate..." (sic)

      Yet again, the hypocrisy of Islamofascism rears its ugly head. "One rule for us, for you another..."

      2. The "humanitarians" were flouting not only Israel's laws, but also those of international binding. The San Remo Manual On International Law Applicable to Armed Conflicts at Sea, 12 June 1994 is abundantly clear:

      Part IV, Section III, 110: "...auxililary vessels, however, are prohibited from launching an attack... and at all times from actively simulating the status of hospital ships, small coastal rescue craft or medical transports."

      Part IV, Section III, 111: "Perfidy is prohibited... acts include the launching of an attack while feigning: exempt, civilian, neutral or protected United Nations status."

      Part IV, Section II, Medical Transports, 170: "Hospital ships may be equipped with purely deflective means of of defence, such as chaff and flares. The presence of such equipment should be notified."

      3. It was not a "raid", as so many news outlets shamefully persist in referring to it. The radical Muslims declined to divert to the port of Ashdod, where their cargo would be inspected under their supervision, then sent to Gaza. With clear intent to run the blockade, the vessels were then rightfully interdicted. Not by torpedoes or cruise missiles, mind you, but via boarding. Not to harm, but to inspect. And how were the Israelis received? With knives, flash grenades, chains, slingshots, Molotov cocktails, iron bars and who knows what else. They were fired upon. They were beaten, lynched, stabbed and thrown overboard. Just take a look at all the "medical supplies".

      Furthermore, it has now come to light that much of the actual medical supplies were expired, outdated and useless.  What was Israel's next move? Separate the supplies from the weapons and deliver them to Gaza. That just says it all. If the faux "freedom flotilla" had simply done what the law requires - and if they had genuinely wanted to aid the people of Gaza, rather than taking part in such an incendiary stunt - Israel would not have had to endure this latest spate of propaganda.

      In what has to be one of the most telling clues of their true intentions, they expected martyrdom. They chanted, "Khaybar, Khaybar, oh Jews! The army of Muhammad will return!" This is an all-too-pointed reference to the Battle of Khaybar, in which Muhammad and his merry followers used subterfuge to attack peaceful Jews, slaughter them, impose their despicable jizya and finally remove them from the area altogether. Forget the passage of 1,382 years since then - their sentiments remain precisely the same:

      We will tolerate you, Israel, for a small fee. Then we will destroy you.

      In what should put a lump in the throats of every human being, Turkey may now be planning to send another flotilla, but this time accompanied by the Turkish Navy. This is downright chilling, because it would pit a NATO member nation against one of our staunchest allies. It could break NATO. It could lure in an already-salivating Iran, and what of Syria, Egypt, Jordan, Lebanon, et al? It's going to be very telling to see how Obama proceeds.

      I'm only one man, Israel, but I stand with you.