As an American, it is my inherent inclination to loathe soccer. Or "football", as the rest of the planet so disingenuously calls it. It is long, annoying and altogether curious, like Carrot Top on the Great Wall of China.
In an effort to Americanize the sport and thus allow it to reach its full potential, I and my fellow analysts have been brainstorming ideas. While these have yet to be finalized with FIFA (Forpete'ssake Ican't Freakingstand Anymorebloodysoccer), we nevertheless feel that certain quality of life improvements will allow the "sport" to finally take hold in the United States. For instance:
Randomly placed landmines. Nothing excessive, mind you, but merely three or four hidden surreptitiously on the field. Can't you just hear the broadcaster? "Aaaand the chap streaks down the pitch... he's got bags of pace... it's a worm burner! He's going to nod it hom-- BOOM!" Uh-oh - someone beat us to it.
Not to be deterred, why not make the normally green field one big American flag? Let the limeys try to burn that, after they get done watching Robert Green spit the bit. Over and over and over. And overandoverandover again.
With Adidas' Jabulani ball (whose face has been removed, so as not to offend any other balls) causing so much consternation, a shake-up is definitely in order. To this end, how about replacing it with something more fan-centric? Just before the gam-- er, match -- is to begin, one lucky fan will have their ticket number announced over the public address system. They will then be escorted down to the center of the field and, with much fanfare, have their head removed and entered into play. It could be like Afghan Headless Goat Polo, only different, and would give new meaning to the term, "header". Wait, that's just gross. And sophomorically silly and totally unrealistic. And freakin' EPIC.
Finally, a combination of monster trucks, cheerleaders, Toby Keith and "Raiders of The Lost Ark"-esque boulders, booby-traps and massive swinging blades would really pull it all together.
I'm also willing to board a modified Space Shuttle and land on the incoming behemoth, just like in "Armageddon". Better yet, send me on a year-long mission to Iscandar. If nothing else, they don't have soccer there.