Tuesday, June 22, 2010

“Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.”

I'd like to devote our latest entry to synthesizing Hegelian solutions solving some pressing problems.

Forget BP. To say the company has bungled the effort in the Gulf is an understatement. Whenever I, one of the small people, see their logo or one of their woefully out-of-touch representatives, I hear calliope music. 

Solution: With oil still leaking from the uncapped well, clean-up operations should be transitioned to the pope. Unlike BP, Catholic leadership has a long and storied tradition of covering things up.

Nebraska is flooding. Arizona is on fire (or, to paraphrase this AP story, Flagstaff is 90% @#$%ed). Solution: Illegal immigrants can start digging southwest. The trench would re-route the Nebraska floodwaters to extinguish the Arizona wildfi-- er, no. There are no illegal immigrants in Nebraska.

The U.S. is indirectly paying the Taliban to protect convoys carrying supplies to U.S. troops tasked with fighting the Talilban. That's about as decipherable as Afghan president Hamid Karzai working as a Unocal advisor on a potential Caspian pipeline, Bush giving the Taliban $43 million before 9/11, bin Laden denying responsibility for the attacks, Bush declining to take him into custody, and then vowing to capture him dead or alive.

Solution: Recall the Mars Rover and send it to Afghanistan. Minerals or no minerals, maybe it can determine exactly what the @#$% is going on over there. It needn't be the "Saudi Arabia of Lithium", either. I'd happily settle for "Liechtenstein of Getcherass Into The 21st Century".

Carlos Beltran is getting closer to returning. But what of Angel Pagan? He deserves a better reward than being the odd man out. Platoon with Frenchy? Trade one of 'em for Cliff Lee? If you deal Pagan and Beltran needs microfracture surgery the very next day, who plays center? And don't say Gary Matthews, Jr., because Cincinnati coveted his lack of expertise.

Solution: Graft Pagan and Beltran together, a la the movie that freaked me the hell out as a kid. Not the one with Rosie Greer, the other one.

While we're on the subject, did you know there's a "Red Dawn" remake in the offing? It's a shame Patrick Swayze can't do a cameo, but maybe Charlie Sheen, C. Thomas Howell, Jennifer Gray and/or Lea Thompson are available. Speaking of which, I can't believe I missed the "Dirty Dancing" and "Outsiders" connections all this time. Remember the Mark Texierieaierierra lookalike who betrayed them? His real name is Darren Dalton, which is perilously close to Darren Daulton.

Moral of the story? The Oracle of Bacon, of course.

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