Saturday, June 12, 2010

Take Your Hat Off When You're Talking To Me

The backdrop at the new Marlins stadium has two built-in aquariums. Cool, no doubt, but how many games do you think it'll take for PETA to protest on behalf of the fish? Opposable thumb or no opposable thumb, no creature should have to endure Hanley Ramirez eighty-one times a year.

Psst... Han-Ram: if you moved your legs as fast as you do your gums, maybe your team wouldn't be in last place. Just a thought.

After the ambush in the forest, Godfrey of Ibelin instructs Roger de Cormier ("raaaansom...") to remove his helmet when addressing him. It's a lovely score by Harry Gregson-Williams, to be sure, but all I hear in my head after that line is this.

Etymology Question of The Week: "Portly". What did one's proximity to a port have to do with their body shape? Or is it in reference to the wine? No, perhaps it's a shout-out to port and starboard, which, incidentally, I will never get straight. Pray that if you are ever in need of rescue, I am not on a boat.

I've gotten some requests recently for more information about Status Crow. Well, it's me. It's the blog. It's everything rolled up into one, like the goodness of grease kissing the majesty of bacon. That's right: Deep-fried bacon!

Wait - where was I? Yes, yes - the blog. I actually loathe that word, by the way. It's right up there with "webinar", whose usage was banned by the Geneva Convention. Or at least should be. Can't we just be happy with "web seminar"? It's only one stinkin' syllable longer. Just because you can put two things together, it doesn't mean you should. For instance:

    • Salmon, peas and french fries on sourdough. To be fair, that's four things, but the principle still applies.

    • "Immortal swordsman seeking sidekick. Must be slight in stature, unimposing and possess the swashbuckling, devil-may-care attitude of a bored accountant." 'Nuff said.

      See how easily I get distracted? It's like my brainwaves are one of those "Family Circus" cartoons showing Jeffy traipsing all over God's green earth. And it just happened again, of course.

      To begin, I am not some random text generator that's miraculously achieved sentience. I am as real as you, my friend (assuming, of course, that you are real and not some random web spider program; how awkward). The blog is run from a retrofitted Telstar satellite locked into an undisclosed geosynchronous orbit (and by "undisclosed", I mean to us; we genuinely haven't the foggiest notion where we are). Our crack staff, culled from the best and brightest minds in academia, sports, cinema and cuisine, routinely jettisons people who say "webinar" into the cold, limitless void of space has but one mission: To select items of dubious interest and present them to you here, now.

      Sure, it may seem like all fun and games... Hobbit-this, Mets-that... but a lot of work goes into it, and Honk isn't around to help us.

      So, should you find yourself on a casual stroll on a clear, still night, turn your wandering eyes toward the heavens. That's probably us scorching down into your backyard like our last crew did in Milwaukee.

      They, too, were running McAfee.

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