Tuesday, June 22, 2010

This Just In...


Mexico City, MEXICO (SC) - The Mexican Consulate contacted the U.S. State Department early this morning with an unprecedented gesture of international goodwill. Mexican President Felipe Calderón personally delivered a refined proposal first put forth by Status Crow, an Internet "weblog" focused on international relations, Tolkien and baseball. And bacon. And Ridley Scott movies.

In the initial piece, the sardonic, sentimental, inquisitive, mischievous and tender writer outlined a bold initiative that would utilize the floodwaters inundating Nebraska to extinguish the wildfires in Arizona. Clearly impressed with the anonymous endeavor, President Calderón immediately drafted an amended proposal and offered unlimited material support to what could be the largest project of its kind since the completion of the Erie Canal.

"By extending the canal west towards California, you will be able to draw from the vast resources of the Pacific Ocean," stated Calderón spokesperson María Loret de Dóriga. "The great nation of Mexico has also offered to dig eastwards and link up with the Mississippi River, which will then connect to the Great Lakes. From the shores of Lake Ontario, the canal work will then resume eastwards and finally terminate with great fanfare at the Inner Harbor in Baltimore, MD."

Even the traditionally ruthless Mexican drug cartels have praised the effort, citing the potential to stabilize Mexican-American relations and "deliver water for wildfires with relative ease to so many of the people in the major urban centers who need water to fight wildfires." (sic)

Arizona elder statesman John McCain weighed in with an umcomfortable, often rambling six-minute retort that can be viewed here.

To further convey his nations eagerness to proceed, Calderón went so far as to order 27,532,814 Mexican "labor detachments" to the original southern terminus of the proposed waterway. While there has been no official response from the Obama Administration, confidential sources have suggested that the President was amenable to the idea, especially if it marginalizes Israel in some way.

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